I have been the primary care giver for my 86 year old mother for over five years. That has involved more than I would have ever imagined. I have had to:
- Convince her to stop driving (by more or less "taking away" her car),
- Talk her into geriatric psychiatric care to address depression and severe anxiety attacks,
- Persuade her to move closer to me (eliminating the weekly 150 mile round trip for a visit and to restock her daily pill reminders)
- And move her into a nursing home.

The next big challenge will be helping her understand that the nursing home is her home from now on because she cannot live on her own and neither I nor my brother are able to give her the 24 x 7 care she requires.

As several social workers have explained, for which I am grateful, the primary care giver is usually the butt of all the anger and resentment that cannot be directed elsewhere. In my mother's case that has been very true. Time after time I have driven away from seeing her with a huge pain in my heart and a sick stomach because of the hurtful things she has said. She speaks often of how I "locked her in" to the nursing home and "tricked me into giving my car away" and have "abandoned her" (despite weekly visits and taking her to church with us).

I know I am being faithful to her and to the promise I made to my long dead father to take care of her. But there are occasions when I truly understand why some adult children spend so little time with their aged parents.

For what it is worth, I would encourage those who find that sometimes the giving hurts so very much. Persist, for it is good and right that we do. It is good and right because we owe a great debt to those who birthed and raised us. More importantly, it is right and good because we love them, even when loving them hurts.

Stevan V.