The conventional wisdom is that midlife crises usually feature extramarital affairs.
But one may have little to do with the other.
Middle-aged people -- of either gender -- have affairs. But many have nothing to do with the usual midlife crisis. Rather, they are the result of placing low value on the relationship, and poor bonding with one's spouse.
That's the core of an article by Cox News Service's Helena Oliviero, who asks why Halle Berry, Elizabeth Hurley, and Christie Brinkley have all had cheating boyfriends or husbands.
If a marriage doesn't have a lot of "gravity" pulling the spouses together, then any nearby temptation could pull them apart. For men, sexual desire draws them to someone else; women value better emotional ties.
The article also points to a person's role models -- usually their parents -- as an influence. If the parents cheated or seemed to accept infidelity, the lesson their child learned might be that it's not that big a deal. And that could carry over to the child's adult life.
Academic research has found that there is a higher likelihood of sexual infidelity for those with
... none of which is unique to any particular age. If a spouse's satisfaction with their marriage is low and "something better" comes along, they may cheat ... but -- other things being equal -- they probably would have done the same thing if they were ten years older or younger.
A few people going through the normal process of midlife assessment may face up to their dissatisfaction with their marriage for the first time, and that could prime them for infidelity. But most won't need that midlife assessment period to tell them they are unhappy in their relationship.
"Midlife crisis" has taken the blame for many things -- but midlife affairs shouldn't be one of them. While it's a convenient scapegoat, the real causes of midlife affairs have to do with the two people in the marriage and the nature of their relationship. That's an uncomfortable, but more honest, explanation.
---
Addendum: How common is cheating?
There is disagreement over just how many middle aged people cheat on their spouses. Oliviera reports that
Most studies suggest almost half of husbands cheat at some point in their marriage. Women are less likely to be unfaithful, according to some surveys. But researchers admit they're really not sure about that -- since they've also found women are better at concealing affairs and are less likely to own up to them.
But it may be that younger adults cheat more often. We've seen reports that suggest that cheating is far less widespread among the middle aged:
... (the University of Wisconsin's Dr. Larry) Bumpass's research demonstrates quite clearly that the risk of divorce actually declines the longer people are married. Another study, conducted at the New England Research Institute in Watertown, Massachusetts, by John B. McKinlay, Ph.D., a psychologist at the institute, showed that only 2 percent of over 1,700 middle age and older men surveyed reported having more than one current sexual partner, a far lower rate than the stereotypes would have us believe.
The stats aren't directly comparable -- one covers cheating over an entire marriage, and the 2% figure is at a point in time. But the latter does indicate that the "50% of men cheat at some point" number is too high.
---
* we've discussed elsewhere on this site that there is no one-size-fits-all "midlife crisis" ... there are at least four distinct types. For convenience we'll use the phrase.