What do I do if I think my husband is having a midlife crisis? Part 2

To continue the discussion started earlier in Part 1, here are some things you can do:

Ask questions, but in a way that helps.

It is important to open up the communication between the two of you. I am not going to kid you, this can be really hard. I know if my significant other starts asking me about what is going on, probing my feelings and demanding an explanations about something I don't understand in myself, I am going to go underground or get resentful. I will feel the extra burden of feeling pressured. So this is tricky. How do you connect, show you care and are concerned, but give him room. Some tips:

1. Don't ask the "why" questions. They demand explanations and accountings. Often the person in the midst of a midlife crisis doesn't know the answers. That is what adds so much fear and angst. Ask a questions starting with "why" and you get defensiveness.

2. Don't start off with questions, share with sharing what you are seeing and experiencing, that you understand he must be struggling, and that you want to support him.

3. Focus on conveying that you are not demanding answers from him but that you want to understand what he is experiencing. Join him in being mystified and even curious about his disquiet.

There is a book I highly recommend that can really help here: Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler.

Listen, and then listen some more:

Ask questions that open up and expand the issue. Listen - not just for what he is saying, but for what he is not saying. Listen to what is underneath what he is saying: the feelings, values, and fears. Be a bit of a detective and see if you can deduce what he is most worried about, what is driving him, and where he is suffering. Listen with your heart not your brain.

Know what you can control and what you cannot

This is important. Having a partner go thru a midlife crisis is much like having them suffer a serious illness. There is a huge load that you pick up and carry. If the relationship is breaking down, that load can become intolerable.

Relationships can weather all kinds of storms.. Sometimes, what seems like a loss cause can be healed and nursed back to health, becoming strong than before. Sort of like a healed broken leg.. And, sometimes relationships get broken and cannot be repaired. You have to take care of yourself. That may mean moving on, getting support and beginning the healing. If the relationship seems broken beyond repair, or if abuse is occurring, the only thing you can do is control what you do, think and act. Take care of yourself.

Get help for both of you

If the descriptions in the opening to this article match your spouse, go get help. No kidding. And if he won't get help, go yourself. You need support. If money is an issue, there are women’s centers, churches and social programs that include counseling for free.

In terms of therapists, shop around. Ask questions and check on their experience with men going through a midlife crisis. Test-driving therapists is important. You will know in your heart and gut when you find one that is a good fit.

At the very least, get support from friends and family. You need a place to vent, to cry and to lean. He does as well. If he will get some support, great! If not, you need to take the initiative if only for yourself.