Whatever you do, don’t do this
Ways not to handle your midlife crisis
Working through a mid-life crisis (mlc) is tricky. It is a very personal and isolating experience. Like transitions at other times of our life, navigating midlife is confusing and challenging. We are almost hard-wired with the thinking that if we are suffering, there must be a problem. And if there is a problem, it should be quickly figured out and resolved.
While there is some wisdom out there on how to understand and work with a mlc, there is not much written or said about what to watch for or avoid. Here are some tips from my learnings, personal experiences and from working with others.
Don’t do any of these regarding your MLC:
In this post and the next, I will go into some detail about each of these.
Ignoring it:
This is the most common method of handling a MLC. We have an amazing capacity to ignore important warning signs. At home, we all can step over a pair of shoes in the hallway – for days. My teenage son can drive the family car with the check engine light on and never ask about it. I can “learn to live” with a throbbing tooth until one day it cracks creating a major catastrophe.
Ignoring the background hum of unease in our lives is unfortunately easy to do as well. Doing so, like the toothache, will cause it to increase and one day create havoc after being dismissed. It will move from the background to the foreground. In my opinion that is what creates the crisis in midlife crisis.
Don’t ignore the signals that something is off in your life. You know not to drive with the oil light on. Stop what you are doing and take time to listen to what your insides have to tell you. Your thoughts, emotions and even physical sensations and issues will all line up to give you some important information. Listen carefully.
Jumping into “re-action”:
You may be the kind of person that immediately jumps into action. The first thought that pops into your mind whenever a challenge appears is “OK, what do I need to do?” Or, you may be the person who does something else first: check what is out there in books and other sources of wisdom, call a friend, seek professional advice, or just take time to think about next steps – all before taking action. Whether you are in the first group or the second, there is a sense something different must be done to stop the discomfort.
You are right; there is a course of wise action to take. But not acting just to stop the discomfort of the MLC. A lot of people who are hurting in their MLC believe if they just make changes to their life, the pain will go away. They quit their jobs, leave their marriages, change what they wear and drive all in an attempt to see if what they do makes the pain go away. It might, or might not. And it will only go away for a while. This is why: If you react to the discomfort without learning what it’s really about, it will only come back.
This is how I describe it on my website, TheDisquiet.com: You may think that it will go away by taking action – leaving your marriage or job for instance. But it’s like eating lots of garlic and trying to hide it with mouthwash. The odor oozes out of your pores. Avoiding it just makes it come back smellier and messier.
It’s tempting to think that once you are aware of this disquiet, you just need to make changes. Don’t! Making fast changes just to move away from the uneasiness does not keep it away very long. It will creep into your new job, your new relationship or your new home like a virus. Repeat this couple of times, getting the same or worse results each time, and you will find your life a mess. At best you will be like a hamster trapped on that spinning wheel for the rest of your life.
So watch out for jumping to doing something just to relieve the pain.
In the next post, I will continue giving details on what not to do around drugging it, making fun of it or going it alone. Stay tuned!